


Pita Girl

by Annegsp0983



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi and Kenma work at the it help desk, Akaashi is thirsty for Kuroo, Alternate Universe - College/University, Bokuto makes a huge mistake, Crack, I know I should be working on my other fic, Mild Language, Multi, So I saw this picture of an apology note taped on a box of GoGurt, and well here we are, bros being bros, but guys...it was too hilarious to not write this, but tries to apologize, drunken antics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 08:08:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20870966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annegsp0983/pseuds/Annegsp0983
Summary: When Bokuto day drinks and makes a huge mistake, he apologizes in the best way he thinks possible.Kuroo finds a box of GoGurt and a note in his refrigerator one evening.Little do these two dorks know...their Venn diagrams intersect.Subtitle: Akaashi Keiji has no idea how to deal with his HUGE crush on his coworker's best friend.





	Pita Girl

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, let me explain...  
LOOK OVER THERE!!!!  
*sprints out of the room, hurdling a couch*

“I dunno, Kenma. She's just been acting weird lately.” Kuroo Tetsurou pushed a piece of shrimp around on his plate.

“Weird?”

“You mean bitchy?” Lev asked.

“Lev...seriously...use some tact.” Yamamoto elbowed the taller boy.

“Oh come on. You guys never liked Yukie.” Kuroo whined.

“Honestly, Kuroo, I'm gonna have to agree with Lev on this one.” Yaku gestured for the waiter. “For once.” He glared at Lev's broad smile.

“Yea whatever. You guys are just assholes.” Kuroo slapped some money on the table, getting to his feet. After the bill was squared away, he and Kenma strolled along the sidewalk toward the apartment they shared.

“Lev's right.” Kenma spoke, eyes never leaving his phone. “Yukie has been acting very strange lately, and when you ask her about it, she becomes bitchy.”

“She's just got a lot of finals next week.” Kuroo explained.

“No, she doesn't.” Kenma stopped “She is enrolled in one five-hour course.”

“What?” Kuroo stared at his friend.

“She said some things that didn't add up the past few weeks...so I investigated.” Kenma shrugged a shoulder.

“Investigated?” Kuroo scoffed. “What, did you follow her around hiding under a box?”

“Of course not. Akaashi and I looked up her enrollment schedule when it was quiet at the help desk last week.” Kenma started walking again. “A five-hour class with NO lab.”

“Kenma, you guys hacked into the enrollment schedules?”

“Of course not. That is too much effort and you can get in trouble for hacking. We both have access to that server at work. Akaashi simply looked her up when he had to go into the enrollment offices to do server maintenance.” Kenma gave him a flat stare. “She's lying to you, Kuroo. Lying to you, and using you for the apartment.”

“Kenma, she's not using me.” Kuroo fished his keys from his pants pocket. He unlocked the door, stepping inside the apartment. “Yukie? We're back.” There was no answer. Kenma kicked off his sneakers with a huff, padding to his room. “She's not lying to me, Kenma!” Kuroo groused at his disappearing friend's back. He stalked into the kitchen. “She's not...”

Yukie had been one of those impulse dates that Kenma had warned Kuroo about coming back to bite him in the ass. Several months later, she had firmly planted herself into his daily life, spending a large amount of at the apartment, much to Kenma's displeasure. Kuroo liked Yukie. She was fun, cheerful, enjoyed playing Smash Bros. He could not begin to fathom what she would be covering up by telling him lies.

“They had to have missed something.” Kuroo opened the refrigerator to fish out a beer. A box with a note taped to it caught his eye. “What the...” He pulled the note out of the refrigerator.

':( Sorry I slept with your girlfriend bro. Here's a 32 pack of Gogurt. I hope this can make up for it.'

Kuroo looked at the box the note had been taped to. Sure enough there sat a 32-pack of GoGurt in their refrigerator. 16 strawberry, 16 mixed berry flavor.

“KENMA?!”

**

6 hours earlier.

Bokuto Kotarou had never been so embarrassed in his life. After drinking a few too many that afternoon at the bar he and his frat brothers frequented, he ran into the cute girl who worked at his favorite pita place. He had tried to flirt with her before, but Akaashi always told him she wasn't interested.

She was interested today.

After having clumsy drunken sex on her couch, Bokuto had promptly passed out. When he woke up, he was alone in the apartment. He wandered around to find the bathroom and discovered that not only was this apartment NOT Pita Girl's, but Pita Girl also had a boyfriend.

A very tall, dangerous looking boyfriend with wild spiky hair and several earrings if any of the photos stuck to the refrigerator had anything to say about him. The dude even had a tattoo peeking out of his shirtsleeve. Tattoos were totally dangerous dude material.

After freaking the fuck out and running from the apartment in fear, Bokuto realized he had:

a. left his shoes in the apartment.

b. left said apartment unlocked.

3\. He kinda owed the dude an apology.

As crazy as it sounded, Bokuto had some semblance of honor and he was not about to let Pita Girl ruin spiky-haired tattoo bro's life by cheating on him! So he did the only thing his very hungover brain could think of.

He wandered to the corner store and went straight to his favorite snack, grabbing the biggest box with his favorite flavors.

Who didn't like GoGurt?

He scrawled out an apology note, attached it to the box, grabbed his shoes, and got the fuck out of Dodge (after locking the door, of course). He fished his phone from his cargo shorts, frantically tapping out his best friend's number.

“Yes?”

“AKAAASHI I need HELP.” Bokuto ignored the odd stares several passers-by gave him.

“Bokuto...” Akaashi's voice was muffled for a moment. “Hang on...” More muffled speech and some ruffling against the receiver. “Okay. I had to go outside. What is it this time?” Akaashi asked.

“Dude. You remember Pita Girl?”

“Yes?”

“So I um...” Bokuto paused. Would it be a good idea to admit to Akaashi that he was not only day drinking, but partaking in scandalous relationships?

“Go on?” Akaashi prompted.

“I don't know how exactly buuuuut I kinda fucked Pita Girl on a couch today.”

Akaashi was silent for long enough Bokuto was worried he dropped the call.

“Are you still there 'Kaash?”

“Yes.” Akaashi cleared his throat. “Did you...how could you not know how you had sex...” Akaashi trailed off.

“Akaaaaaashiiii, come on! Her boyfriend looked really dangerous!!” Bokuto implored.

“Boyfriend?!” Akaashi hissed. “I swear to American Jesus if you are fucking drunk at 4:30 in the afternoon, I will end you.” He clipped.

“I'm not that drunk, Akaashi. I promise.” Bokuto moaned.

“This is why I told you joining a fraternity was a bad idea!” Akaashi's voice rose in pitch. “Now you're getting in fights with biker gangs and day drinking with girls that only go by aliases?!” He shrieked. “What's next? You're going to rob a bank?!”

“'Kaash...no...no bro, noooo,” Bokuto placated. “He wasn't in a biker gang. I don't THINK he was in a biker gang. Looked too cute to be in a biker gang.”

“Oh dear Buddah, American Jesus, Italian Jesus, ANYONE...did you just say CUTE?”

“Bro. He was cute in the photos on his fridge.” Bokuto explained.

“Did you take the time to admire his photos before or after you wrecked his relationship with 'Pita Girl', if that IS her real name?” Akaashi accused.

“Akaashi, chill bro. I saw the pictures after I woke up from my nap.”

“You...” A loud huff came through the phone. “Bokuto. Just. No. Stop. I have to go back inside and work. Kenma is waving for me. Go home, take a shower, and meet me and Komi for dinner after I get off work? We'll go to that barbecue place and you can tell us about your ridiculous behavior in person.”

“Um...okay?”

“I get done at 6 and Komi finishes class at 5:30. See you at the restaurant about 6:15?”

“Sure. Sorry 'Kaash.”

**

“Hey hey Kenma.” Kuroo strolled into his friend's office, draping himself on Kenma's chair. “Yo, Keiji.” He grinned at Akaashi.

“Hello, Kuroo.” Akaashi gave him a curt not. Kuroo was loud and a pain in the ass, but if Kenma liked him, there had to be some redeeming qualities in there somewhere. Probably buried under that ridiculously gorgeous hair and those elegant hands. Akaashi snorted to himself. It wasn't that he disliked Kenma's best friend.

Okay so he disliked Kuroo.

He was loud, his laugh sounded like an old car that wouldn't start, and he was so damn attractive Akaashi could not think straight when he leaned against the back of Kenma's chair, long legs accentuating the shapely ass they attached to. Akaashi scowled at Kuroo's ass, partly angry at himself for finding this annoying human attractive, and partly out of frustration because he could not walk over and sink his teeth into it.

Well, he COULD, but that opened up a whole other can of worms Akaashi Keiji was not particularly ready to dissect and evaluate the contents of just yet because it would involve actually vocalizing his interest in Kuroo Tetsurou.

To Kuroo.

Akaashi was not ready to unpack all of that. He was content to stare and admire from a distance. Memorizing every stretch and soft curve so he could vividly fantasize about Kuroo's legs and ass later when he was alone. Alone with his thoughts and his dick which was currently chilling at half-mast because Akaashi could not keep his stupid fantasy obsession with his friend and coworker's best friend under control. He grimaced, reaching for his water bottle.

Just breathe, relax, think about coding and programming.

“Dude you were right.” Kuroo whined. “She was cheating on me.”

“How did you find out?”

“Well, I told her I wanted to hang after lunch like we do sometimes...and I called her out on it.”

“And?” Kenma glanced up at Kuroo.

“She totally denied it.” Kuroo continued.

“So then what?” Kenma asked. Akaashi took a sip of his water, doing his best to not watch as Kuroo rocked from side to side as he lamented on about the cheating girlfriend.

“So I asked her if she wasn't cheating why did my couch smell like sex and some dude left me a case of GoGurt in my fridge with an apology note taped on it.” Kuroo explained. Akaashi spewed water everywhere.

Did Kuroo just say GoGUrt?

As in Bokuto Kotarou's favorite snack in the entire universe?

As in the same GoGurt Bokuto said he left as an apology in Pita Girl's boyfriend's refrigerator yesterday afternoon?

Kuroo and Kenma whipped around to gape at him.

“You got water on that laptop.” Kenma got to his feet. Akaashi ducked his head, trying to scrape the puddle of water off his desk.

“Sorry! I...wrong pipe.” He offered, praying to every deity he could recall that Kuroo would not notice how red his face was (or that he was still half-hard).

“That's where that GoGurt came from.” Kenma mused as he helped Akaashi dry his desk and the laptop he had been working on.

“Kenma! I'm lactose intolerant! Was this dude just fuckin with me, like hey, I banged your girl and heard you can't eat dairy. Sorry Bro!” Kuroo mocked.

“I'm sure you're overreacting, Kuroo.” Kenma grumbled, handing Akaashi a can of air to dry out the keyboard.

“I'm sure he did it on purpose!” Kuroo jabbed a finger against Akaashi's desk. Akaashi stared at the finger for longer than he should have.

He needed to get laid.

“And I'm sure he didn't.” Kenma tried to diffuse his friend's ire. “Right Akaashi?” Akaashi tore his eyes away from Kuroo's beautiful fingers and back to something less fantasy inspiring, like the stupid laptop he was defragging.

“Ah yes. I-I'm certain the guy didn't know it would be offensive to you.” Akaashi stammered. “He was probably just as shocked as you are, and defaulted to his favorite snack?” He offered. Kuroo scowled at him, lip curling to reveal white teeth. Akaashi swallowed. Now was not the time to think about Kuroo's teeth and...

“If you're so certain, how do I know it wasn't you?” Kuroo accused. Akaashi blinked, registering the sentence. He caught his lower lip between his teeth before he could blurt out, because I fantasize and beat off to thoughts of having sex with you.

Akaashi did not think letting that cat out of the bag would help this situation.

At all.

“Well, I...”

“Kuroo, you're being a dick.” Kenma came to Akaashi's rescue. “It wasn't Akaashi.” Kuroo crossed his arms over his chest, perching on Kenma's desk.

“And you know this how?”

“He was at work yesterday until 6.” Kenma pointed at the schedule hanging on a corkboard across the office.

“Yea well we didn't get home til after 9.”

“And then you met some friends to eat last night, correct?” Kenma opened an app on his phone, showing Kuroo a photo of Akaashi, Komi and Bokuto.

“Ah yes. We ate at the barbecue place.” Akaashi straightened his desk, sitting back down.

“Yea well...once I find out who this GoGurt mother fucker is, I'm gonna rearrange his face.” Kuroo huffed, punching his palm.

“No you won't. You're shitty at fighting.” Kenma deadpanned.

“Dammit Kenma, don't tell my secrets.” Kuroo hissed.

“You have lab in ten minutes. You should leave.” Kenma tucked back into the computer he was working on.

“Shit! Later Ken, Keiji.” Kuroo loped out the door.

“Sorry about Kuroo. He gets wound up about things.”

“Oh don't worry.” Akaashi waved a hand. Thankfully, his accident with the water had not damaged the laptop. “So Kuroo's girlfriend cheated on him?”

“Yes.” Kenma squinted at the screen.

“That's terrible.” Akaashi mused. “Had they been dating long?”

“A couple months.”

“Did they meet here?” Akaashi leaned his chin on his palm.

“They had a class together last semester, and she works at that pita takeout place near campus.” Kenma answered.

“Ah, I think I know which place. Is she cute?” Akaashi felt his pulse speed up. She was definitely Pita Girl.

“I guess.” Kenma fixed his golden eyes on Akaashi. “I didn't know you liked girls.”

“Ah I,” Akaashi floundered as his face burned red. “I-I uhm don't?”

“Of course you don't. The way you stare at Kuroo when he comes in is embarrassing.” Kenma's stare bored into Akaashi's green eyes.

Kenma KNEW.

Sensing Akaashi's rapidly climbing panic levels, Kenma rolled his neck.

“Don't panic. I won't tell Kuroo. Unless you would like me to.” A slight smile tugged at his mouth.

“Wh-why would you do that?” Akaashi's voice cracked.

“Because Kuroo is attracted to men and women.” Kenma stated.

“He is?”

“Yes. I haven't seen him date any men, but he oogles the probie firemen at the station close to our apartment all the time when they are out training. They are quite fit.” Kenma's eyebrow quirked. Akaashi looked at his arms.

It was time to hit the gym.

But first, how to tell Bokuto that he not only found but knew Pita Girl's dangerous biker gang boyfriend.

**

“Hey hey hey Akaaaaaaashiii.” Bokuto strode into the help desk office where Akaashi worked. “I brought some lunch.” Akaashi looked up as Bokuto deposited a bag with takeout on the desk.

It was from the fucking pita restaurant.

“Ah...Bokuto?” Akaashi gestured at the logo. “What is this?” Bokuto propped himself on the corner of the desk and began pulling containers out.

“It is lunch?” Bokuto stared at Akaashi.

“Yes but...” Akaashi sighed, unwrapping a chicken gyro with extra tzatziki sauce (exactly the way he liked it). Bokuto did not get hints or subtlety...ever. “Isn't this where 'Pita Girl' works?”

“Well, yea.” Bokuto shrugged, stuffing half a pita into his mouth.

“Why did you go there?” Akaashi pressed.

“Because I wanted a pita.” Bokuto answered like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“But did you see her?”

“Oh yea. And I apologized, and she seemed cool. Gave me free extra tzatziki sauces.” Bokuto grinned, holding up a container of said sauce. Akaashi snatched it out of his hand. His best friend was ridiculous. How could he get away with something like apologizing to a drunken fling, and come out okay? Akaashi would never set foot in a place again if he knew it meant running into a person he had drunken intercourse with and then found out they were dating someone. They finished lunch in peace until one of the hall doors opened, and Kuroo's grating laugh cackled into the office. Bokuto's head whipped around, catching sight of Kuroo. He screeched, leaping off the desk.

“'Kaashi hide me!” He hissed.

“What?” Akaashi demanded.

“HIDE. ME. NOW.” Bokuto shoved Akaashi's chair back, folding his athletic frame underneath, and pulling Akaashi's chair back to his desk.

“Bokut-OW.” Akaashi grunted as Bokuto pinched his thigh.

“Stay quiet.” He hissed from between Akaashi's knees. Akaashi rubbed his forehead.

“Oi Keiji, what's goin on?” Kuroo purred, perching on Kenma's desk.

“Don't sit on my desk, Kuroo. I'll be right back, Akaashi.” Kenma stepped out of the office. Kuroo got to his feet, strolling over to Akaashi's desk.

“So. How's it goin'?” Kuroo grinned at him. Akaashi licked his lips, scooting the rest of his lunch into the trash beside his desk. Kuroo leaned against the corner of his desk. Of all times to have a guy's head crammed between his thighs. Akaashi shifted in his chair, trying to find some way to cut Kuroo's long legs out of his peripheral vision.

“It is alright.” He spoke, voice strained. Bokuto squeezed his calf under the desk. Kuroo's amber eyes trailed down Akaashi's torso. Any other time, Akaashi would be thrilled. Kuroo's gaze trailed lower and his brows creased.

“Yes?” Akaashi asked.

“Dude...Did I interrupt?” Kuroo leaned over.

“Interrupt? What?” Akaashi was dead in the water. Kuroo reached out, poking the back of Bokuto's hand that was resting on his hip.

“This?” He poked the hand again, and Bokuto thrashed under the desk. He shoved Akaashi out of the way, sprinting from the office. Kuroo watched him then turned his amazed stare to Akaashi.

“I-I can explain that.” Akaashi rubbed his hands together. Kuroo cocked his head to the side.

“Oh by all means. Please explain.” He leered. Kenma walked back into the office.

“Kuroo, please stop harassing my coworker.”

“Kenma, Keiji was just getting a lil dessert at his desk.” Kuroo flashed Akaashi a smirk.

“I was NOT.” Akaashi protested with a hiss.

“People are allowed to eat dessert with lunch.” Kenma answered, tone flat.

“Yea, but Keiji here was the one getting eaten.” Kuroo waggled his eyebrows.

“What?” Kenma's eyes narrowed at Akaashi.

There was no realistic way to explain any of this without strangling Bokuto in the process.

**

Getting everyone to agree on meeting for dinner without telling everyone WHY they were meeting wasn't that hard. The hard part was keeping Bokuto from leaping through the glass window by their table when he realized Kuroo would be sitting at the same table. Akaashi decided the easiest way to air the entire situation out, and prove to Kuroo he had not been getting a blow job at his desk yesterday was to have them all sit down for dinner.

If he could keep Bokuto still...

“So this is my friend, Bokuto.” Akaashi kicked Bokuto under the table.

“Yo bro.” Bokuto grimaced. “You guys work with 'Kaash?”

“I do.” Kenma answered.

“Nah, I'm just a friend of Keiji's” Kuroo purred.

“Okay so, what happened yesterday...” Akaashi started. “Let's back this up a bit. Your girlfriend...what is her name?”

“Uhm she's my ex-girlfriend, and her name is Yukie.” Kuroo frowned.

“So you just broke up?” Akaashi continued.

“Uh yea. I found out she cheated on me.” Kuroo pursed his lips.

“Okay so she-”

“Keiji, why are you asking about Yukie? Isn't Bokuto your boyfriend?” Kuroo waved a hand at them.

“Uh no. Sorry, 'Kaash, but you're not my type.” Bokuto barked a nervous laugh.

“Wait...” Kuroo squinted at them. “You were about to give him a blow job yesterday when I walked in.” Bokuto knocked his glass over.

“No! No no bro that wasn't what was happening at all.” Bokuto laughed again, trying to clean up the spill.

“Bokuto was hiding.” Akaashi answered.

“Hiding.” Kuroo repeated.

“Yes. Hiding.”

“Why was he hiding under your desk with his head between your thighs?” Kuroo poked the table. Kenma gave Akaashi a glare.

“Because he was hiding from you.”

“NO!” Bokuto reached out to silence Akaashi, knocking over Kenma's glass.

“What in the fuck are you two upset about? I totally walked in on this dude trying to suck your dick at your desk yesterday.” Kuroo pointed at Bokuto.

“You misunderstood the situation, Kuroo.” Akaashi tried to explain.

“I sit in that desk sometimes, Akaashi.” Kenma bit.

“NO!” Akaashi waved his hands. This was turning into a disaster. He had to figure out some way to clarify.

“What are you so upset about, Akaashi? I happen to think I am pretty decent at sucking dick.” Bokuto mused.

“Tha...that is NOT the POINT, Bokuto!” He stammered. Even though Bokuto didn't feel Akaashi was his type, it didn't stop Akaashi from thinking Bokuto was attractive.

“Oh so you weren't foolin around?” Kuroo asked, disappointed.

“NO.” Akaashi snapped.

“Then what were you doing under his desk?” Kuroo turned his stare to Bokuto.

“He was hiding from you.” Akaashi blurted.

“Akaaaaghsiii NOOOO! You've betrayed me!” Bokuto lept to his feet. Akaashi yanked him back to his seat.

“Look. My friend did not know that the girl he hooked up with a few days ago was dating anyone until after the fact.” Akaashi started. Bokuto moaned next to him.

“Yea, okay that's great?” Kuroo shrugged, unsure of where Akaashi was going with this.

“Bokuto is the GoGurt Man.” Akaashi stated. Kuroo's eyes flicked from Akaashi to Bokuto then to Kenma.

“WHAT?” He grunted.

“Bokuto is the guy that left the GoGurt in your refrigerator as-”

“As an apology because, Bro...I had NO idea Pita Girl had a boyfriend.” Bokuto blurted. “I am so sorry I banged your girlfriend.” He bowed his head to the table.

“You are the schmuck that left yogurt in my fridge as an apology for fucking my girlfriend?” Kuroo growled.

“Yea, man. I'm sorry.” Bokuto mumbled, guilt covering his face.

“Dude. I'm lactose intolerant.” Kuroo spat.

“Bro, what does your religion have to do with this?” Bokuto furrowed his brow. Kenma snickered quietly.

“Lactose intolerant isn't a religion, Bokuto.” Akaashi hissed.

“I can't eat yogurt...or any dairy.” Kuroo pointed out.

“Holy shit.” Bokuto breathed. “So you thought I was being a dick by leaving the GoGurt.” He observed.

“Yea.” Kuroo grunted.

“Bro. I would never do that.” Bokuto put his hand over his heart. “Hey, lemme take you to this ice cream place.”

“Are you serious?” Kuroo spat.

“Yes, because they have vegan ice cream there.” Bokuto grinned at him. “Last time I checked, vegans didn't eat dairy stuff...so you can eat this ice cream.”

“If you are stringing me along...”

“Nah bro. Trust me, I've had it, and it tastes like cinnamon breakfast cereal.” Bokuto pulled Kuroo to his feet. Akaashi and Kenma followed along, both relieved to see Kuroo and Bokuto forming a fast friendship. Akaashi thought everything was going smoothly until Bokuto draped an arm over his shoulder in the ice cream parlor.

“So this is the dude you've been crushing over since we were first years in college, eh?”

**Author's Note:**

> No seriously, I can explain....  
I ran across that photo on the interwebs today, and laughed until I cried. I know, I owe you guys some chapters on BR, but dammit, I'm getting over a cold and didn't feel like wading into first person editing today.  
so you get this steamy mug of crack.  
Thanks as always for reading/comments/kudos!!  
NightWing, you deserve this. You and Akaashi both deserve to fantasize about Kuroo.


End file.
